Possible Reasons Why I Am A Mess

   My mother told my sister and me, "Do not blame me for any of your problems."  OK. But I do believe parental influences such as (poor) advice do affect us!  For instance, here are some (believe it or not) bon mots my mother said over and over again..  I think you'll get the picture.

Clothes make the man (or woman) - definitely. 
Everyone looks better with blond hair. (I said but Mom Spanish women might not look better with
blond hair.  She said of course they do.)
More makeup is always better than less makeup. ("A little more eye shadow will do the trick.")
You'll get the job if you go to the interview in a really nice suit.
Your baby is going to be gorgeous.  I nervously said what if it's not?  She said why wouldn't it be?
Nobody will ever care what grades you got in college.
It's better to look good than to feel good.
One Christmas she said: "You are going to be so excited.  I got you two things everyone MUST have." Those two necessities turned out to be a string of pearls and a Gucci bag.


So.  Is it any wonder I'm a mess??  I was, though, pretty careful not to pass on this advice to my children.  Well, except for the makeup rule!
 

Incident in a Non Picture-ID World

     I had to renew my Minnesota driver's license last week.  The clerk took a quick digital photograph, confirmed some info, checked my vision with a high tech machine, took my check (not so high tech), and said I'd have my license in a week or so.
     This ordinary experience triggered the memory of my first driver's license application in the very, very pre- 911 world of 1962.  I was already a senior in high school as you had to be 17 years old in New Jersey before you could even get the license ball rolling.  After passing the written test with flying colors at the local armory, I failed the eye exam.  All the squinting in the world had not helped so I had to get glasses - actually very cool glasses with gold-flecked bamboo frames.  I also had to endure a little good sport humiliation in the school newspaper which published an article about my experience called "Blind as a Bat."
     Then with perfect 20/20 corrected vision I took the road test. It was a snowy day and I refused to go over 20 MPH on the slippery road and knocked down a snow fence while making a required "K" turn.  Needless to say, I failed but reigned victorious after a retake a week later on dry roads.
     Armed with the "she finally passed" required document I visited the motor vehicle office down on Speedwell Avenue in Morristown and applied for the Jersey license, a non-photo ID. Now here's the crazy part that you could never get away with in today's world.  I reported that I was 5'8" tall and weighed 135 pounds BUT that I wanted to lose a few pounds and was on a diet so would you please put me down for 125 pounds.  Sure, no problem.  My hair was brown BUT I said I was bleaching it and by spring it would be quite blonde so could you please put me down for Hair color: blonde. Of course. And eyes.  Having one green eye and one brown, I chose the one I wished I had two of.  "Green" ended up on the license.
     So in a couple of weeks I had a driver's license with no picture and a personal description that looked nothing like me! But I did eventually "grow into" my license as I had promised.
     To emphasize the state of pre-911 security even more, I used a NJ license for over 14 years while living in Minnesota. My father would renew it for me every three years and send me the new one which, of course, had a NJ address. And, oh yes, on top of it all it was in my maiden name! And nobody ever said boo about it.  On my own I finally bit the bullet and took another dreaded written test to finally get a Minnesota picture ID license.
     Oh yes.  And one more thing.  Did I mention that for four years I was living in a foreign country? It all can be quite a pain now but we are definitely better off in this post 911 world! And picture IDs are the least we can do for the cause.

Easy Memory Makers

     All parents want their children to grow up with happy childhood memories.  While Big trips, Big gifts, and Big events are impressive and certainly memorable, it can be the little everyday moments that kids will remember and cherish most.
     Here are ten easy everyday ways to fill your child's life with special moments so you'll be remembered as an extra special parent.

1.   SKY WATCH
      Try to catch special events like eclipses, meteor showers and comets.  Or just plain star gaze and moon watch.  A telescope is great fun but not necessary. By day, look at cloud formations and sun position. 
2.   EARTH WATCH
      Short nature walks lead to long memories.  Point out flowers, trees, animals and insects.  Look for bird nests, cocoons, etc.
3    USE PET NAMES
     Nicknames work anywhere but personal only-at-home pet names are fun and make kids feel special.
4.  WRITE NOTES
     Children love notes.  Leave a simple "See you later," "Have fun," or "Love you" on the pillow or fridge when you leave the house.  Tuck notes into backpacks and lunch bags, too.  Messages on cell phones, e-mail and answering machines are a nice surprise. 
5.   HUG
     Hug hello, good-bye, good night, good morning, or for no reason at all.  It's so easy!
6.   USE FOOD COLOR
     And use it often for instant celebrations.  Kids are so impressed!  Pink milk for Happy Spring, red for Valentine's Day.  Trust me.  Green mashed potatoes will not be forgotten!
7.   PARTY
     The team wins a game - have a party.  Celebrate half-birthdays (no presents - but cake or a special dessert is a must); the first day of school; the last day of school; good report cards and more.  Use your imagination.  Any occasion can turn into a party.  Keep a roll of crepe paper at hand and decorate in seconds!
8.   SAY YES
     Try to say YES more than NO.  Kids will love you for your "That's a great idea" or "Sure, let's give it a try."  It also raises their self esteem and opens creative minds.
9.   LEARN ABOUT THEIR WORLD
     Keep up on the kids' TV, music, movies and fashion.  Don't aim for hip and cool, aim for knowledgable.
10.  ONE BIG DON'T
     Don't try to be your child's best friend.  Try to be you child's best parent!
     
    

Coming Soon

      Stay tuned for "Easy Memory Makers."  Tips on creating memories your kids will "cherish."  Ahhhhhh

AI Blues

   I punched in the numbers hoping to talk to a human.  But for years, humans had been replaced progressively by artificial intelligence.  The voice I heard was that of a robot and my hope for human contact was denied again.  I tried my best for 16 minutes to convey my simple request but the electronic, patronizing female voice offered no help. It could only repeat in a saccharine voice that made my stomach churn and my frustration mount: "I don't understand you, main menu."
   Sounds like the beginning of a science fiction story?  A futuristic Big Brother scenario?  No, just a modern nightmare in broad daylight reality - very now.  Last week I had a question for Big Brother, er, the U. S. government and I had to deal with their automated "smart" phone system.  In the best of all scenarios, this can work.  If you need EXACTLY what's on their menu.  For it is in the choosing of "other" that gets you emerging from a simple phone call in a helluva mess and needing tranquilizers. 
   But, as it turned out, after  my fourth "other" request, I got through to a human, a very helpful human, I might add, who solved my problem and answered my question in less than 90 seconds.  I needed a form.  (You always need a form.)  And thank god forms solve everything.
   Then, while celebrating just a little too much about my success at requesting a government form, I suddenly realized my mistake and ended up, after having been driven to tears, laughing out loud. LOLing after a phone call to the government?  Had I gone mad? Now I know, though, that when you talk to a "robot" you must only respond to its questions. The rest of the time you must keep your mouth shut.
   The AI lady cannot understand "my god, I can't stand another minute of this," or "for god's sake, didn't you hear me, I said THREE."  She just needs you to say "three."  And say it with conviction, dammit.  And don't have emotions or opinions or tantrums.  I get it now.  We all have to learn to act like robots.  Uh Oh. (Cue the Twilight Zone music...)
   My form hasn't come yet.  I'm bracing myself for another call. But this time I will know how to talk to the "lady."