I punched in the numbers hoping to talk to a human. But for years, humans had been replaced progressively by artificial intelligence. The voice I heard was that of a robot and my hope for human contact was denied again. I tried my best for 16 minutes to convey my simple request but the electronic, patronizing female voice offered no help. It could only repeat in a saccharine voice that made my stomach churn and my frustration mount: "I don't understand you, main menu."
Sounds like the beginning of a science fiction story? A futuristic Big Brother scenario? No, just a modern nightmare in broad daylight reality - very now. Last week I had a question for Big Brother, er, the U. S. government and I had to deal with their automated "smart" phone system. In the best of all scenarios, this can work. If you need EXACTLY what's on their menu. For it is in the choosing of "other" that gets you emerging from a simple phone call in a helluva mess and needing tranquilizers.
But, as it turned out, after my fourth "other" request, I got through to a human, a very helpful human, I might add, who solved my problem and answered my question in less than 90 seconds. I needed a form. (You always need a form.) And thank god forms solve everything.
Then, while celebrating just a little too much about my success at requesting a government form, I suddenly realized my mistake and ended up, after having been driven to tears, laughing out loud. LOLing after a phone call to the government? Had I gone mad? Now I know, though, that when you talk to a "robot" you must only respond to its questions. The rest of the time you must keep your mouth shut.
The AI lady cannot understand "my god, I can't stand another minute of this," or "for god's sake, didn't you hear me, I said THREE." She just needs you to say "three." And say it with conviction, dammit. And don't have emotions or opinions or tantrums. I get it now. We all have to learn to act like robots. Uh Oh. (Cue the Twilight Zone music...)
My form hasn't come yet. I'm bracing myself for another call. But this time I will know how to talk to the "lady."
Sounds like the beginning of a science fiction story? A futuristic Big Brother scenario? No, just a modern nightmare in broad daylight reality - very now. Last week I had a question for Big Brother, er, the U. S. government and I had to deal with their automated "smart" phone system. In the best of all scenarios, this can work. If you need EXACTLY what's on their menu. For it is in the choosing of "other" that gets you emerging from a simple phone call in a helluva mess and needing tranquilizers.
But, as it turned out, after my fourth "other" request, I got through to a human, a very helpful human, I might add, who solved my problem and answered my question in less than 90 seconds. I needed a form. (You always need a form.) And thank god forms solve everything.
Then, while celebrating just a little too much about my success at requesting a government form, I suddenly realized my mistake and ended up, after having been driven to tears, laughing out loud. LOLing after a phone call to the government? Had I gone mad? Now I know, though, that when you talk to a "robot" you must only respond to its questions. The rest of the time you must keep your mouth shut.
The AI lady cannot understand "my god, I can't stand another minute of this," or "for god's sake, didn't you hear me, I said THREE." She just needs you to say "three." And say it with conviction, dammit. And don't have emotions or opinions or tantrums. I get it now. We all have to learn to act like robots. Uh Oh. (Cue the Twilight Zone music...)
My form hasn't come yet. I'm bracing myself for another call. But this time I will know how to talk to the "lady."
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